Single Mormon women: You’ve been hijacked by dangerous feminist ideologies that prevent you from recognizing that you can never be happy without a man. Any man. So sisters, get with the program.

Over at “Mormon Game,” there’s a piece this week that is so craptastically from a different century that it seems like satire but regards itself with utter seriousness.

Single women, listen up! You are up a creek without a paddle. You need marriage. You need motherhood. And you are falling short.

7 dating tips for Mormon women, helpfully mansplained for you

You had also better hurry; that pesky clock is ticking. Whereas men only get more attractive as they age because “they gain a career, a house, [and] life experience,” your equivalent economic success and life experience are essentially worthless and can even be liabilities. What matters most are your body and your appearance: